In search of relief

Hey guys. I have some things to say... so bear with me.

I can totally understand you when you say it's been hard getting back. The first few nights I cried myself to sleep listening to Green Day's "Time of Your Life" and I still can't listen to it alone without getting emotional. That first week after I got back has been the longest in my life. I already feel as if it's been months since I last saw you guys. I'm terrified that this year will just drag on, and that our meeting will seem as far away as it does now. There is something that reminds me of TASP everywhere I go, and when I'm hanging out with my friends, I get transported to that parallel universe we lived in for 6 glorious weeks. Consequently, my friends have said that I'm being unusually quiet and weird. They are right, but I don't know how to change that. You all have become such an ingrained part of me that I keep looking for you everywhere.

I love my friends here to death. They have been with me through a lot and are always there to support me. But I am not the same person I was before TASP, and I fear I will not enjoy their company as much as I did before, just because I am not at TASP, talking about thigh wounds and learning about vigilanteism with 35 amazing people that made me feel so complete. I feel incomplete here. This makes me feel so guilty, because my friends have done absolutely nothing wrong. They are the same awesome people I've always known, and they don't deserve me being so despondent. But I can't help it. TASP changed me forever and sometimes I now find myself not knowing how to act around people I've known all my life. I know I will have fun times with them again, but everything here seems to have the volume turned down. Happy times are still happy, but they are not as happy as they used to be. I can't stay here anymore.

That's another thing that makes me feel guilty. It's no secret that I adore Puerto Rico and that I'm exceedingly proud of being born and raised here, and of having the Puerto Rican culture live in me. But, again, after coming back from TASP, it's not the same here. For the first time, I feel caged. I feel restricted. Everything here feels so small it's painful. I've always known Puerto Rico is a minuscule island, but I've never felt this heart-wrenching onslaught of claustrophobia before. This is because somehow, I know I could never meet people like you here, or have similar experiences to the ones we shared during our magical time together. I've been in the same school for 13 years now, always around the same people, with only minor changes throughout. Before TASP, I hadn't realized how much I needed a new beginning, and that was what TASP meant for me, among other things, of course. In TASP I felt rejuvenated. I felt as if I could change things about me without people raising their eyebrows in judgement. In short, I could be myself, without others comparing me with the past. At TASP there was no past, there was only the 'here and now'. I didn't want that beginning to end. But I guess it had to.

I felt such freedom at TASP, not because of the lack of parental supervision, but because I could be myself without others judging me. That is not a reality here. Things don't measure up anymore. At my school, if I decide to wear a funky hat one day (even though it's outlawed by the dress code:) people will judge and criticize, merely because it's something different to what I've done before. I keep getting the feeling that my classmates are, for the most part, immature and concerned about the most insipid trivialities. It makes me feel a bit arrogant at times, and I hate arrogance. But the things that I tended to get excited about before now seem trivial and vacuous. I used to be so excited about being a senior, and getting a special senior shirt, and all that jazz, and now it doesn't seem that life-defining at all. I constantly find myself wishing that I could skip this year, graduate, and meet you all again when we become bohemian college students. Let's try to make that happen, at least for the most part.

I've been drifting back into the swing of things here, not because I want to, but because I have no other choice. I'm scared that I'll have to spend a year faking it. Faking that I love my school and that I love my life here and blah, blah, blah. I really want to leave and see different things. I long to live experiences that are bigger than myself and that wake me up once more to the wonders that you showed me during our summer. I can't find such wonders here. And part of me doesn't want to. TASP is irreplaceable. I know we complain that our friends back home don't understand us now, and that they can't grasp what TASP was all about. But, do we really want them to? What we had was so unique that, even though it makes me feel isolated and lonely at times, I feel privileged because I was lucky enough to experience it.

Loneliness has always been my worst fear. I live terrified that I'll end up alone with no one to talk to and share life's surprises with me. But meeting you all has made me realize that there is so much out there that I haven't discovered, and I am going to dedicate my life to living as much as I can. I hope that at least some of you can come along for the ride. We'll meet again. We won't all get into the House, and we won't all go to college together, but we'll meet again. And until that time, keep in touch, and check out the special prices for vacations in Puerto Rico. Aida and I would love to have you.

Much love,
Laura